How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"
My Jokes
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.
But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!
I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.
My aunt worked as a human cannonball.
I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.
My love life.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."
A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.
"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"
And so he did.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
