My jokes

I named my iPod "Titanic." It's syncing now.

I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?

They both went down on my dad.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

I hate when people make jokes about the Twin Towers.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.