My jokes

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.

It’s like I always tell my kids:

"Two in the pink, one in the stink."

Fila is a cool brand. I fill a cock in my ass.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I impaled my son with a pitchfork...

He looks very sharp.

So my brother said we should start a band, and I said I already had a band. So I gave him my band and he said he was talking about music, and I said, "Well, I do have a trum-bone ;)"

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

I have something on my lip and I think I’m taller than you.

"Who am I?"

My favorite website.

"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."

Sadly, blind jokes are cruel. A kid at my school was punched the other day for being blind.

Sadly, he didn't see it coming.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Once a boy named penis had a crush on a girl named vagina. Their teacher found out and explained not to bump into each other; as innocence, they said yes.

One day, penis found his teacher in the bed naked masturbating. The teacher wanted hardcore anal sex, but vagina found it out and went to see them. The teacher told vagina that it's normal. Penis said, "Gosh, that it's normal, I put my dildo in vagina's pussy." Then they three had a hell of a time and they all were pleasured, but after six months, they both had a child, one named dildo and another named pussy.

So, narrated, it can be told that penis had sex with vagina and her teacher normally but ended up getting a dildo and pussy.

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.