My jokes
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.
Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.
I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.
Maybe I'm just too old at this point.
2023- my dad is a cop.
1800- my dad owns your dad.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.
Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.
The creator's son tried that!
(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)
What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?
His life insurance.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.
I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
When people ask my age, this is what I do.
“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”
My dad was a great pilot...
He died in 9/11.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.