My jokes

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

Roses are red. The sun isn't shining. My mental state is rapidly declining.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Someone on here said it previously:

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is until my mom took the urn away from me.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."