My jokes

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.

So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" 😅😅😅

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.

So all his friends came in one car.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!