When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."
Get it? I read? No... ok.
Hello, Brudas, my name Badabeeyeabolamazoqanba. I, forty-eight-year man from Somalia. Sorry for bad England. I sold my wife for internet connect, and I am level thirteen in Roblacks. If you want to get batter in Roblacks, contact me at Gmail@borakoobama. Send me your bank account information and password. Than I well give you all the cotton you desire. Sorry for bad spelling. I kindergarden dropout.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!
