My jokes

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.

My life.

YOUR MOM sucks my dick 24/7.

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"

A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"

My existence.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!

Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.