Duck my sick.
My Jokes
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
Went to my local Indian restaurant and asked the waiter for a chicken tarka Masala.
The waiter said, "What's that?"
I said, "It's the same as a tikka, just a little otter."
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
My favorite sex position is the JFK:
I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says, “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said, “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says, “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later, the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and realized his cow was gone.
I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
