My jokes

Sandy Hook is my favorite holiday.

What's brown and hurts your teeth?

A chocolate?

No. A baseball bat in my hands.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

My happiness.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

My life, there, that was the joke.

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

*I was actually up all night watching.*

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

You want a joke? My entire existence.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!