My jokes

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"

My life, haha, so funny!

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

I know that my jokes are never punny but...

It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My friend's name is Campbell, so she must love soup.

JOKES

1. my life 2. pat as a cat.

Wanna hear a joke?

My life.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

Why do I call my dog a vibrator?

Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.