My jokes

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

My cock, lmao.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

What is blue and wiggling on my floor?

A baby in a bag.

Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.

Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.

Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.

Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.

Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.

Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.

Kid: It's not an Apple product.

Indian poor dad: It's a banana.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

My dignity to live.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

You're the sriracha to my hoisin sauce.

And together, we are pho-ever.