My Jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, Cause comes near my Willy.

I did have a good night's sleep and a good day today, and tomorrow I have [planned] for a good night's sleep, and sleep with my...

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

My favorite joke is my life.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED SETTLERS OF CATAN!

“Wheat is going on?” I asked my godmother. She replied “Godson, I really don’t know, but could you please get me some m-ore Shloer?”

“Ok, I’ll sheep if there’s any in the fridge!”

I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.

Unfortunately, he couldn't come.

What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?

None.

They're both imaginary.

I had to get my dog. Is it a tree? Was your time and I had fun today after dinner. I had...

I like my new... e-a-tree and a tree that is a magic house and a tree tree and a...

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.