My jokes
I tried my best to think of some puns, but I'm gonna have tibia honest: I don't have any puns left, but I'm pretty sternum, so I'll think of a few puns here and there. It took a lot of spine to do this.
Are you a wild girl, cause I want to catch you with my pokeballs?
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍
What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead kids?
I don't have a Lambo in my garage.
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
If my cat was a cactus, doesn't that make him a catus?
A man in a wheelchair and his friend were walking down the street.
Man in Wheelchair: *falls out of wheelchair*
Friend: Are you okay?
Man in Wheelchair: I can't feel my legs!
Your mom stinks.
That is my joke.
You mom doesn’t really stink.
I know I am stupid. 🤕
I am a George Formby fan, and I love football. My favourite manager was Arsène Wenger. My favourite referee was Collina. My favourite player was Dean Windas. So my favourite George Formby song was "Wenger, Collina, Windas."
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
What is my favorite color? Yellow.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orphan.
Orphan who?
Are you my mommy?
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke."
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"