My jokes

I got raped when I was 5 in my princess pajamas by my dad. Nobody laughed at these jokes; they just cried.

I asked my orphan friend to come to my house. He said he was confused because he didn't know what that is.

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

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    • So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

    The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

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    • I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.

    Sike, that's the wrong number!

    ooooooooooooooooooooo

    Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

    All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

    People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

    People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

    Snake one: Are we venomous?

    Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

    Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

    Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

    Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

    My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

    She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

    Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

    Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.