My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
My Jokes
What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?
Her miscarriage.
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.
I hate my wife.
*cue laugh*
My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰
My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"
Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?
My friend: What?
Me: The Suicide Squad.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
