My jokes

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Little boy: Momma?

Mom: Yes, my dear.

Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

Mom: Why!?

Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.

What does my uncle call a school?

A strip club.