Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
My Jokes
I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.
Hey.
Girl: Hey.
Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.
Girl: What?
It says "spray on flat surfaces."
"My name must taste good; it's always in your mouth."
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.
Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!
Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"
So I threw my dictionary at her.
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
