My jokes

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Sonic Boom in my ass.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I was writing my final exams, and I saw a question saying to name the smallest thing in the world. To my knowledge, I chose an atom.

My Chemistry teacher said it was PSG. I was shocked beyond repair. Shame on you, PSG, I'm now a college dropout!

My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.

In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

What do Myspace and my dad have in common?

I haven't seen them in a while.

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.

Guys, can you like my jokes, please?

Me people call me emo.

Older cousin: Why?

Because I always have my hood up and wear black cloths and wear black cross earrings.

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.