My jokes

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

What’s the difference between my mom and the Twin Towers?

My mom got hit by two cars. The Twin Towers got hit by two planes.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

Jack quietly crawled through Jill’s bedroom window, trying not to make a single noise. She sat on her bed, her back facing him. Jack tiptoed up behind her, laid his hands on her shoulders and said, in a rather sensual tone,

“Boo.”

“Jack!” She yelled, “what are you doing here?”

Jack sat down next to her and smiled.

“I figured today was a good day to maybe go up to the hill?” He said.

“That sounds fun,” said Jill.

“C’mon, let’s go!”

The kids climbed down from Jill’s second story window. They frolicked around in the fields, hair swaying in the wind, as they neared the nearby hill. Jack took Jill’s hand, and they skipped up to the very top of the hill. They sat down on the bright green grass and giggled.

“You ready?” Asked Jack.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jill replied with a wink.

Jack laid his hand on Jill’s chest, softly pushing her onto her back. He got down on his knees, and bent down to the bottom of her dress.

“I’ve waited a long time for this...” he whispered.

Jack slowly pulled up Jill’s dress with one hand, running the other up her thigh. His anticipation was building faster and faster. He looked her in the eyes as he slowly pulled down her panties. Once they were all the way off, he turned his head downward. His mouth opened, his eyes went wide. Jack was speechless. Before he could say anything, Jill slammed his head down, gagging him with her giant cock. She sat up as she slammed his head up and down. Jack began to feel dizzy as he gagged and coughed.

“Silly Jack, didn’t you know? I’m not Jill. I never was. My name’s Randy. You’re mine now, Jack. So sit back, enjoy the ride.” Said Randy.

Randy moved Jack’s head faster and faster as he threw his head back. It was coming, fast. All of a sudden, he stopped. Jack’s head stood still as his mouth became a fountain of white, drizzling all over Randy’s legs and onto the grass. Randy let go and Jack jumped back, spitting and trying to get it all out of his mouth. Just as the dizziness began to fade, Randy walked over. The last thing Jack saw was Randy’s fist hurtling towards him...

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

At gym class today, my friend made this song:

🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

"I want to kill my family."

-realizes-

When it's ready for pickup today, I have to get my stimulus payment for a while, and then we'll go to bed... 🥱🥹🥺

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.