My jokes

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

Yo, hairline is a distraction to my barber because he wanna fix it so bad (because of how bad it looks).

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

My dad seen RuPaul's Drag Race?

Asked when will they do up the cars!

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

"Hee hee touch my pp."

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

What did the naked man say to the naked woman?

"Suck my dick."

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

My bully: Your face is ugly.

Me: Yeah well your mom is so fat she broke the stairway to heaven.

My bully: :(

What's white, red, blue, and brown all over?

The American flag I used to wipe my ass with.