My jokes

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

Me and 1/2 of my friends.

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

The thing my mom birthed.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

The last thing I said to my dog was,

"Play dead."

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"