My jokes

I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...

Because you already look ugly.

There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

  • 1

    • When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

    See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

    I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"

    She started crying.

    My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

    So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

  • 2

    • I was at school one day, and my teacher gave me homework. Once I got home, I did not do my homework, but I watched TV. After the movie, I finally went to go do my homework. I was almost done with my homework when I got to the last question. I didn't know the answer, so I asked the closest living being to me, which was my dog, and I asked him: what's two minus two? He said nothing.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like everyone else in the plane.

    I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

    ... It was a bittersweet victory.

    It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

    He was a great vet.

    During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

    I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

    Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

    My friend was the only one who laughed.

    Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

    My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.