My jokes

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

Quiet kid reaches down and class starts running.

Quiet kid: What's wrong? Pulling out my...

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

I miss my wife, Tails.

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?

My Chemical Romance.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

My sister said she was as fat as a coconut, so I threw one at her and she was right.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."