My jokes

Guys stop before I tell my parents!

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

I'm always forgetting these kinds of jokes. I also forgot my son's name.

I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

What do you call two men fucking? My dad and I. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm afraid for my gay calendar. Its days are numbered!

Leave a like if you LOL at this joke!

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.