My jokes

An Asian man walks into a bar in Australia. The bartender says to him “why are you here? Get back in that wing wong country.”

The Asian man says “I’m here traveling and now I’m gonna attack you with my 40 gallons of fried rice I’ve had in my pocket since wa dinowar wages. #wingwong”

My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"

Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

What did the feather say to his wife?

You light my day.

What do Nemo and my dad have in common?

They both can't be found.

Yeah, I stopped joking about 9/11. My jokes usually just ended up crashing and burning.

Scan my wrist for 75% off!

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Orphan: My parents.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.

Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.

"Cummy wummy all over my mummy."

"Jizzy jazz all over my ass."

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.

Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."