My jokes
The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.
My dad was in the plane in 9/11, and he was the smart one that convinced everyone. He said, "We're fucked."
Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.
Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you—as a joke.
A Chinese teacher's phone rang as he was going to class, and he said:
"My phone the ring ring, it's my wife ring ring."
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.
What did a Jedi say to Darth Vader? "You're not my father, I am yours!"
"You’re the milk to my cookies."
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.
My friend told me to name a country in Africa.
So I said, "Hungry."
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.
Your forehead is so big it blocked my phone service!
Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.