My jokes

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"

Where’s the English Channel?

Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

You shouldn't joke about 9/11. My grampa died on 9/11. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.

My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!

Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?