My jokes

Fortnite battle pass, I just shit out my ass. The school: You did what?

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

My dad was in 9/11, that's rude, and he was a great pilot.

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:

Allah hu akbar.

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.

Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.

Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?

Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.

Police: ... Child: 😊

Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.

Dude, people gotta stop letting 9/11 jokes fly around like bro, you're gonna make my brain explode!

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.

A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.

First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."

My favorite animal is a cheetah, so I hope the jokes are good.