My jokes

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?

Answer: Putin, put out!

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

My name is Giselle.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

- JFK

Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!

Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!

My mom is bad and my dad is bad.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."

Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!