My jokes
"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."
- JFK
Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!
Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!
My mom is bad and my dad is bad.
My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.
Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."
Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!
Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.
Um, I need help. How should I deal with depression?
Joke: I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.
You go h dichotomy lol what do you want to what what’s the name for the address for sure what’s what I name it says I name it lol I don’t o I have to get r CB n nu set set e Okay okay I’ll be at my place.
I am a racist, and I put my milk before cereal. Well, to be honest, that was when I had milk, but one day my dad says he was going to get some... then he left.
Now when I see a black guy, I yell, "Thanks for picking the cotton to make my shirt!"