My jokes

I punched my mom for no freaking reason.

I get jealous when my phone dies.

My fish can break dance. Only for 20 seconds and only once.

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!

I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.

Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.

Birthday girl: Oh wow!

Parent: Anyone missing?

Birthday girl: Your parents.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

Are you acid, cause I want to throw [you] at my face?

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

One day I was texting my friend on Roblox and I made her mad. She told me she was gonna kill me.

That night, she told me to meet her at the bathroom at 2 PM sharp, but she made "sharp" in all caps. So I went to the bathroom at 2 PM the next day. Now I know what she meant by "SHARP" on Roblox... she brought a knife, and I was in hell by then. Like for the next part!

So, one day in 3rd grade, I was making this art piece and I was talking about my friend that was a boy that I have known for 5 years. But then, the other boy at my table named Coen Jones shouted, "NO! I'M THE ONLY BOYFRIEND YOU CAN HAVE!" As soon as I heard all that, the teacher and the rest of our class was shocked while our table was just laughing their butts off, but laughed so hard, I fell out of my chair!

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

The Twin Towers are like my dad, they are never coming back.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.