Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
My Jokes
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind
Twitter just blew my mind.
I was having a blast until I ended the stream with a bang!
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
The pie tasted weird today.
Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.
Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.
My foot itches.
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Damn, that beat dropped harder than my grandma falling down the stairs.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?
My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.
