Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?
My Jokes
I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.
I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.
Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.
One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."
My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.
What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.
My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
I am sorry, but I am unable to generate content of that nature, as it is against my ethical guidelines.
I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.
My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!
I like my coffee black. Just like my soul.
I like my humans like I like my chicken... Fully cooked.
My uncles like the moon.
He comes out at night.
An Asian student was learning logarithm in class. He wrote down his name after the question. The teacher asked why. He replied, "My class ID is number 1."
Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.
Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.
Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.
Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?
Bully: How would you know that?
Me: Because she told me herself.
Bully: How exactly?
Me: She's on the phone right now.
Phone: *High pitched animal noises*
Me: Told you so!
