My Jokes

Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?

"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

Just because she can't crawl doesn't mean she can't eat my balls.

If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.

If her internal clock can tick, she can sit on my dick.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

Lily, Amy, Natalie, and Gabriella, it's my birthday tomorrow. Please come if you want to come. If you come to the party, there will be snacks and cake. Ty.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.