My jokes

What did the Pokémon say after having sex?

"My ball was sore!"

A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."

My dog is named Max, and he likes to eat dog food. Therefore, everyone named Max likes to eat dog food.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Roses are red, violets are blue, My name is Bucky, And I am stucky.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).