My jokes
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"
Marvin: "I don’t believe that."
Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"
The next morning,
Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"
*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*
Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:
roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?
Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...
Son: Am I kidnapped?
Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
Just because she can't crawl doesn't mean she can't eat my balls.
If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.
If her internal clock can tick, she can sit on my dick.
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
What did the rapper say to the computer?
“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”
Lily, Amy, Natalie, and Gabriella, it's my birthday tomorrow. Please come if you want to come. If you come to the party, there will be snacks and cake. Ty.
I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.