My jokes

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'