My Mum texted me she had lost her phone.
Where do you find an orphan? Just look for your mum.
Why does Blake like lakes? Because of cake!
I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.
My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"
The teacher asked a young boy in primary school, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"
To which the boy replies, "No."
The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.
At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"
"Shut up," she replied.
The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks, "Can you teach me the alphabet?"
But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"
The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.
But his brother is singing, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"
The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.
But his sister is singing, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"
The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.
The boy replies, "Shut up."
"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."
The boy replies, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"
In the office, the principal says, "Who do you think you are?"
The boy replies, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"
The principal now says, "How do you think you'll get away with this?"
The boy then replies, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"
Your mum is so smart, but she still canβt figure out why she had you.
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"
His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."
A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!
I said, "Mum, Iβll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
