Mum jokes
What is the definition of clapped?
Ur mum when I am in her bed.
Why did Sally die? She got stabbed by her mum.
Your momma is so fat, the whole Earth falls down to 100,000,000 ft.
What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.
Why does an orphan play mum and dad?
'Cause they need self-love.
Yo mama is so smelly that whenever she steps outside, she pollutes the air!
Orphan jokes are like families, not everyone gets 'em.
(Also, I banged ya mum ;))
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.
Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!
Dog toys are getting out of control.
My mum's dog has a round bison bone.
Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.
What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?
"You can take a run and jump!"
Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?
Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.
Mom: Can you hear them?
Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.
Mom: Why do you think that?
Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.
Your mum is so stupid, when she went on your phone it got fat.
Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!
Mum: Why are you throwing a paper plane at the twins?
Me: 😈
What does your mum have in common with your dad?
They are both men.
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"
Why do I have to do the stupid joke, mum?
Your mum is so fat that she took a spoon to the supercool.