Mum jokes

Your mum sat on a phone, and she turned it into a pancake.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

What sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

Ur mum is so fat that when she lived in a flat on the highest floor, she fell through the inner floor.

Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

The teacher asks, "Who is a Trump fan?" Everyone in the class, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all put their hands up, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why are you being different again?" Little Johnny says, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asks, "Why are you not a Trump fan?" and Little Johnny says, "Because my dad's a democrat and my mum's a democrat so I'm a democrat." And then his teacher says, "So if your dad was an idiot and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?" And Little Johnny replies, "A Trump fan."

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Ur mum—oh wait, you don't have that.

Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed 3 episodes of your favorite show.

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

Your mum, your dad, The things you never had.

Your mum is so fat that when you walk around her, you get lost.

Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.