Mum jokes

Your mum sat on a phone, and she turned it into a pancake.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

Ur mum is so fat that when she lived in a flat on the highest floor, she fell through the inner floor.

Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

Best not leave hungry kids unattended!

What sexual position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your mum!

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

The teacher asks, "Who is a Trump fan?" Everyone in the class, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all put their hands up, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why are you being different again?" Little Johnny says, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asks, "Why are you not a Trump fan?" and Little Johnny says, "Because my dad's a democrat and my mum's a democrat so I'm a democrat." And then his teacher says, "So if your dad was an idiot and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?" And Little Johnny replies, "A Trump fan."

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Ur mum—oh wait, you don't have that.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Pornhub is down, your mum's Facebook will do.

Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed 3 episodes of your favorite show.

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Your mum is so fat that when she wore a yellow coat people called taxi!

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.