Mum jokes
Kid: Hi Mum!
Mum: Hi, Loser!
Kid: Why?
Mum: You loser, why? Hahaha!
Kid: Waaaaaaa!
I know this is not funny, but who cares?
While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!
The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
When God said, "Let there be light," He saw your mum and said, "Let there be dark."
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.
Beans, your mum is fat!
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"
I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
Why did the cow lick your mum?
Because she had a cream pie.
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.
Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.
What do you get when you cross mums and makeup?
Beauty!
Yo mama is so smelly that whenever she steps outside, she pollutes the air!
What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?
I can’t marmalade my cock into your mum’s arse.
When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.
So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."
Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?
Dad: Because you were made there.
Mum: We haven't been to Canada.
Dad: Hol' up a minute.