Mother jokes

What did Mother Mary say when God farted? Jesus Christ, you stink!

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

What is an orphan's least favorite show? “How I Met Your Mother.”

Your mother.

Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?

Joe mama is Joe mama (your mother) LMAO!

What’s the favorite song of someone with an Oedipus Complex?

“My Mommy Comes Back”

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

She’s so therapeutic.

When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

Mia’s mother has 5 kids: Lilly, Abby, Alexa, Mila, and.... Q: Who is last? A: Mia.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Little old lady, you don’t need to yodel about it!

Every woman will die in five seconds.

Mother: Dies.

Sister: Dies.

Girlfriend: Lives.

You: 🤬

Mum: Why are roses red?

Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.

Mum: I made you.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"