my girlfriends dog died so i got her a new one in replacement and she went off on me and yelled
"What am i supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Orphan’s only has 363 days because they dont have mother’s or father’s day
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
Teacher; why did the skeleton know the weather outside(shrugs shoulders) student; cuz he could feel it in his bones(lenny face) teacher:no he read the weather report you fucking idiot
On a hot summers day a famous celebrity tweeted " it is a beautiful day and I`m deciding which kid to have fun with today" to which the local priest replied " I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today".
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
So a guy is evading the draft, the cops bang on his door and he runs out the back and through and alley way onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse, she complies and the cops walk by and dont see them. The man comes back up from under the nuns blouse and says”Hey man, youve got a pair of balls!” The nun says, “I didnt wanna be drafted either....”
What goes Snap Crackle and Pop? A neck
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit i forgot but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight, one recess we met together on the playground and she brought me to the corner of the playground, that was my first kiss and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police and they aressted my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson
Hippity hoppity Hiroshima Nagasaki
Boy 1: Sonic is a fictional character. Boy 2: Yeah, just like your dad.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands
I like my women the way I like my coffee and I don't drink coffee
what do you call a lazy gay? someone who comes straight out of the closet,and goes straight to the couch.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
my friend died from an allergic reaction.he gave me an EpiPen while he was dying so now i have something to remember him from.
