Morbid jokes
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
Watching their expression change.
I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.
British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.
Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
People in plays say that everyone's life is a drama, but mine's a tragedy.
What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?
"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
What's black and white?
History.
"So I asked a genie if he could grant me this wish. I wished to be like Michael Jackson. The next day, I was in a playground full of little kids."
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.