Morbid jokes
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?
White vans.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5-year-old's face.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
you.
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...