Morbid jokes
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
Because they eat the bat.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?
They both erupt when triggered.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.
What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.
2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.
3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
What was Hitler's lucky number?
Nein.
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."