Morbid jokes
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
When rejected:
That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.
An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.
The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.
The man asks, "Is it your first time?"
The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?
A bath bomb.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?
His life insurance...
What is a pirate's favorite letter? A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.