Morbid jokes

What's the hardest thing about being a rapist?

My dick.

What's worse than ten babies nailed to one tree?

One baby nailed to ten trees.

Q: What comes before 47?

A: AK

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

How do you make a pink Smurf?

You peel the skin off.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"