Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
Morbid Jokes
Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.
I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.
Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
What's a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.
