Morbid jokes
I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
If you take a shot, a paper wad, in the trashcan, and call "Kobe!" but miss, it's still a Kobe.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.