Morbid jokes

What is a cannibal's favorite food?

Crackers.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake.

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.