My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
