Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward
Its sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as- wild dogs
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel - Crackling of fire - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you - Cats purring
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. "next to mine" was not the answer i was expecting
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof
Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.
Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
I believe "Self-Babtism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt"
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
