“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Whats worse than five dead babies in one garbage can?

  • 1 dead baby in 5 garbage cans.

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

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