Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”