A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…
But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”.
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
What’s the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, “Once upon a time…” Black begins, " Yall mutherf...ers aint gonna believe dis shit"