Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he’s still trying to back out of the driveway.

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

What’s the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, “Once upon a time…” Black begins, " Yall mutherf...ers aint gonna believe dis shit"

Roses are red,my name is Dan,I have a gun,GET IN THE VAN!

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

There’s no “I” in team but there is a “U” in cunt

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

I go into get a prostate exam, I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside , feeling for abnormalities.

That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Children should never run with scissors and lesbians should never scissor with the runs