Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful f...er just sat in his wheelchair and cried

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

What to you call ot when a Mexican and a pedofile fight?

Alien vs Preditor

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water

Who else would think of adding gas

Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy. Teacher: What about you Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy…

The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people but none of them work.

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

Why cant two chinese people have a white baby ?

Because two wongs dont make a white

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”