What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

Why are the twin towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere

Rehab’s for quitters and I don’t give up

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Woman: Doctor, where are we going? Doctor: To the morgue. Woman: I’m not dead yet, doctor. Doctor: We’re not at morgue yet, either

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”