A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

Q: how do you know when an asian broke into your house?

A: you can´t find your dog.

Where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

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