Morbid jokes
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
When midgets smoke weed, do they get high or do they get medium?
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six-offender.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said that you would never forget!
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"