Morbid jokes

Candy is dandy.

But liquor is quicker.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?" She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers." The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?" The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!" "That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?" The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

Me: Have you ever tried African food?

You: No.

Me: They haven't either.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

What's the best thing about abortion jokes? They never get old.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

Child: *drinking milk*

Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?

Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.

Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.

Child: *realizes*

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.