What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”

  • One of the thousands of missing children

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.