There’s no “I” in team but there is a “U” in cunt

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn’t have a homepage.

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking “Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!”

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.