Morbid Jokes

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

Fuck it suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor its a failed stunt

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock Who's there? Not Susie.

20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”fuck off you won’t bring it back!”

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.