Morbid Jokes

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.