My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Children should never run with scissors and lesbians should never scissor with the runs

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What’s the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, “Once upon a time…” Black begins, " Yall mutherf...ers aint gonna believe dis shit"

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

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