I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he’s still trying to back out of the driveway.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.

His response was “Ho ho ho”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.