Morbid jokes

20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.