There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?


Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people but none of them work.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his ass.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

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