Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana, Jack got high pulled down his fly and ask if she wanna, Jill said yes and pulled up her dress and had a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill now they have a son

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.