Morbid jokes

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.

What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

*School shooting happens* Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk* American student: "First time?"

Would you like to try African food?

They would too.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.