A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

What’s a similarity between your best friend and a tree? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

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