The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

What did the wind say to the palm tree? Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Rehab’s for quitters and I don’t give up

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

Loading...