Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jills real name is Randy
A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to all of the chalk outlines
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...
He’s a suicide bomber.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Grandpa: you can't have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, your f**ked.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn't have a homepage.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!