So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
