An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f...ing autopsy!”

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming