Morbid jokes

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning. A depressing but satisfying victory.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

Men wake up with a boner.

Women wake up yawning.

Coincidence?

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.

The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.