Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject