Morbid jokes
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?
Nothing, he just exploded.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.