Morbid jokes
I’m not racist. I just have black guns.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?
The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.
What do you call a stalker stalking himself? A narcissist.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?
The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!