Morbid jokes

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What is the best cure for aging?

Suicide.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?

Because it flew over their heads.

Being gay sounds like a pain in the ass.

Pedophiles don't win races because they like to come in a little behind.