Morbid Jokes

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.

A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."

- Bill Cosby

What makes suicide illegal?

Getting caught.

What did the wind say to the palm tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."

Where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"