Morbid jokes
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
How do you circumsize a hillbilly? Kick his mother in the jaw
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.
Roses are red, violets are violet.
My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broom.
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?" She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers." The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?" The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!" "That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?" The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"