Morbid jokes
Teacher: What's your favorite animal?
Me: Desert Eagle.
Teacher: Why?
Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.
How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
How do you make a pink Smurf?
You peel the skin off.
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"