Morbid jokes
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
How 9/11 Happened!:
Hey Bush, Truth or dare?
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Babies can spread a nasty smell,
especially when you haven't fed them for a month.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
Why did God make pigs before politicians?
He just needed some practice.
What is 6.9?
A beautiful thing ruined by a period.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.