Morbid jokes

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Would you like to try African food?

They would too.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

Broccoli is like anal sex. If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?

Because he couldn't do standup.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.

Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"

Dad: "Ask your sister."

Girl: "I don't have a..."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.