Morbid jokes

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?

Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.

Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.

Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

An Irishman walks into a pub.

Why did the man say, "I'm stuck?" Because he was...

A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.

A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.

What do you call an opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.

I gotta song for Hawaii, baby, you light up my world like nobody else.

How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?

Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!

What's the similarity between dogs and poor people?

They both eat from trash.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.