Morbid jokes
Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.
Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?
Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
An Irishman walks into a pub.
Why did the man say, "I'm stuck?" Because he was...
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
What do you call an opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
Where did daddy cum in the bed?...
Everywhere!
I gotta song for Hawaii, baby, you light up my world like nobody else.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
What's the similarity between dogs and poor people?
They both eat from trash.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.